my nights

lub dup. lub dup. lub dup.

the more I try to ignore, the louder the sound of the beat of my heart.

the louder, the faster.

I got up. staring at nothing in the dark.

then slowly, the world spins. shades of grey comes.

I felt tingles on my back, and resort to lying down again.

dup dup dup dup dup..

turned body the left.

then the right.

then pillow over my head.

then blanket on my back.

then take off everything.

then shake leg.

then turn off the fan.

turn it on again.

damn.

*sigh*

looked over the phone screen.

4.45am

there goes my sleep.

mum knows best

"since you came back from your intern in KL, you have lost your shine"

I stared into her eyes. I forced a smile, but I wasn't able to convince her that I am fine.

I walked away from what I thought was my happiness.

I know I am doing the right thing by moving on.. But like everyone else, it wasn't that easy.


Mum continued,

"is everything alright?"

I wasn't able to answer her. Tears running faster because I know, mum is hurt to see me hurting silently. I hugged her tight. No words were uttered. Just her warmth which calmed me down.

I spent sleepless nights, and I wander around during the day. I drove to nowhere in the middle of the night, and I walked in the rain just to get some peace at heart. I failed to love myself those days. This face seems to be unable to smile.

That was 8 months ago.


I was on the phone with mum a while ago.
She said she missed me, but I missed her more ;)

she went on,
"I prayed everyday that God accompany you in every trials, and I know now He heard my prayers. I am so proud to have you as my daughter, being so young, yet so strong."

ma, you know me better than I know myself.

I love you, ma.

hugs for tomorrow

it has been a while.. hasn't it? =)

I have been spending time with my final year thesis and well... life.

I would be graduating soon, where one chapter of my life will close. the next chapter would be more winding, more bumpy and harder to pass the days.. but still, I have to go through it someday.

so before this chapter closes, I reminisce back those years, those days and those nights, where I have made plenty of mistakes, hurting people that I know, closing the doors of opportunities that came knocking, and most of all, hurting myself in the process of growing. I regretted. some.

and for all those regrets that I have been keeping to myself, I would like to apologize for them, one by one..

I accept what had left me.

I accept what is left of me.

I accept what is before me now, and the future.

I accept the apologies I made for myself.

I accept the apologies people made for me.

if I could, I want to fix things.. so that I don't have to feel the weight on my shoulders.

but some things, are not meant to be fixed. they are meant to fade over time. time, is all I need. tomorrow, is all I hoped for.

hugs for tomorrow. =)

dear brown envelopes

if I really could

post all sadness to the black hole

send all tears to the sun

move all memories to the Bermuda triangle

life probably will be a little more peaceful.


to bubble wrap my heart

and send it to the end of time

because I think it has become a little weary

from all emotions.

and if there is another way to solve this

I wish I could put these emotions

in big brown envelopes

and post it to no where on earth.

and these big brown envelopes will have to

go through storms, sun, ice and whatever season

and become rotten, forgotten.

these big brown envelopes, where can I get it?

brave enough?

i sense there will be another mistake.. even though i am still keeping my fingers-crossed.

maybe i am just keeping my guard, putting up the walls and protect myself from being harmed again.

but i realise i am weak.. weak to defend myself for long. the longer the time run, the more these walls starts to weaken and crumble.

what i really hope now, is that when the walls are all down, it will not be another mistake, but all is out there are hopes and dreams that is yet to be discovered.

the past few days was a dream, the happiest dream.. but all too fragile to believe and to hold onto. i can be woke up to the reality any moment now, and all the wonderful things might be taken away within seconds.

i might be able to smile and laugh today, but how about tomorrow?

tomorrow.. i promise to smile even brighter than today, no matter what happens.

I smiled

I woke up this morning and went to church with mum and dad.

as I sit on the corner bench in the church while the priest preached, I finally have insights and was able to reason out what has been bothering me. and once again, I fell deeply in love with God. =)

to be honest, I am doing some judging lately. I judged the person whom I am close to and care most. I was thinking of finding ways to help him. I looked into the bible, went online searching into this matter, fasted and prayed... I even wanted to talk it over with a priest.

what I was afraid is that God will hate him. God will hate him for his sin.

but I am a sinner myself.. what right can I say that God will hate him?

then I remembered I read this somewhere,

"God hates sin, loves the sinner".

that sentence alone, brought great relief to my whole being.

God loves him. God loves him in all ways.

and the beauty I saw is that... he too, loves God, so very much.

so bless him. no matter how broken he will be, or how dark his closet is, I hope he knows that I will always be on his side. or at least know that, God is on his side =)

waiting for miracle

I just knew about something that is not pleasant to me. and though I am still trying to accept the fact, deep down inside I am still hoping it will change for the better.

but when I search into the matter, did a thorough research and was asking around... I am more than disappointed. only a small fraction of solutions that I can do to fix the problem.

there is a solution that reads like this,

"look for God. and prayers, loads of them. hope for a miracle."

within this short time, I really wish there is a miracle.

I am desperate for a miracle that I cannot hold back my tears =(