solitary moments

i hate doing things on my own, at night, without anyone else with me.

i hate driving alone in the car.

i hate doing assignments until late at night where everyone is fast asleep.

i hate staring on the wall from my bed and trying to sleep.

i hate walking alone even with my earphone on.

i hate it when i shouldn't let anyone know what is playing in my head.

there are just too many to keep, and i felt the weight in my heart.

and to silence the pain,

all i do is to keep myself busy.

i don't mind spending sleepless nights,

and continue the day with a fatigue body,

because that is when i am least interested to get myself into trouble.

and by keeping on, i felt relieved.

the only worry is when this body stops, mind demotivated, and me actually giving up.

i wouldn't give up. i shouldn't give up.

let's just do the best, cc... there won't be any regret later.

almost a goner

I am forever grateful, that I am in tears writing this out.

I am still breathing, still alive, and arrived home safely.

Last week was midterm holiday but I have spent it by doing assignment in my hostel. By the end of the week, I was a little worn out, and wanted so much to go back home.

I took a short afternoon nap, brought me and my room mate to eat, and packed my stuff. I called home and informed mum and dad I will be home in an hour.

The whole way driving I admit I zoned out a couple of times, and to stop distracting myself I put off the radio and the air-cond, roll down my window to get fresh air.

I was on the right side of double-lane, planning on over-taking a huge lorry on the left. Going on about 110km/hr on a straight road, I never knew I was about to face a near death accident.

The lorry gave a last minute signal light when I am halfway over-taking him. I saw a motorcycle in front of the lorry, and guessed the lorry must have had the intention to over take the motorcycle.

Next moment the lorry swerve out to my side of the road. I frantically trying to keep my cool by slowing down and probably give ample space for the lorry to over take the motorcycle. But instead I feel like my car become light that the back side of the car going forward. Darn.. Bad move.

I was drifting on the road where I can hear the back tire of the car runs against the road paint that gave a long-horn sound. I gripped on the steering hard as if my life depends on it. I saw the lorry panicked too. He swerved back, giving a loud screeching brake sound. From the rear-view mirror I swear I saw the side of the lorry hit my car. I had imagined the worse on my mind. "Cece you are going to be sandwiched!"... Stupid thoughts...

The motorcyclist moved on, but I am pretty sure he thanked God no harm was done on him.

I slowed down my car and went to the left side of the road. I watched the lorry slowly drove away until he is out sight. I cursed, saying "WHY DO THIS TO ME??" Stopped my car on the side, I could barely breath with the thought that daddy is going to kill me if there is an accident mark on the car.

Damn.. damn damn damn damn...

Nothing. No scratch. Not a sign.Phew~.. My Lord Almighty!

Almost that stupid lorry rammed my car. Almost I run over the other side of the road and probably got hit by the opposite car. Almost die. Almost.

I haven't told mum and dad yet about this incident. I probably shouldn't. Yet.

Dear Lord, thanks for pulling me out of death. For that, I am forever grateful =')

"my life is harder than your life" duh

first off, i am far from perfect. i am far from being better than anybody else. i am just simply me.

but there is a particular friend of mine who like to compare me with her, judging me without trying to step on my shoes and to actually walk a mile in it.

i have been telling her over and over again: we are different. my life path is different, but i never said that i am better than you are. you, me.. we both live in a hard way.

and maybe that is why i have been acting cold towards her. it is not that i hate her, but i have hard time pleasing myself, let alone to please her and her "my life is harder than your life" comparisons.

i should feel better when with friends, even if i get criticize from them but those criticism are for my good, not to make me feel down.

but from her i learned that i should not, as a friend, to compare myself with my own bestie. in any ways, anything, any how.. i must not compare myself with my friends. even if i do, i keep those silly thoughts to myself so that i will not hurt my friends' feelings.

for friends are hard to find these days ;)

holiday seems so far away!

7th week of classes. 7 weeks of madness. 7 weeks of throwing out the map out of the window, just to stop the car at the side of the road to pick up the damn map again.

my point is, i feel annoyed, honestly.

i finished my proposal earlier than the Gantt chart. sent it in as the first draft to my supervisor. but i am far from feeling relief.

i feel suffocated with the rest of the assignments. less than 10 weeks to go to finish this semester, and yet i have 11 assignments, still counting, on the run.

i feel so annoyed that i have deactivated my facebook account out of rage *don't ask why, i just did.

roller coaster ride seems like a splendid plan for now. bungee jumping can be great at this wee hours. sleeping sounds good too.

i cant find proper words to write, i am afraid some bad words will come out from my post here. before this happen, i should do something more beneficial rather than ranting here.

i am stressed, yes. but tomorrow will be better, aite?? =)

each step

each step away from you was heart-stabbing, tear-dropping, energy-sucking, sleep-lacking, angry-birding, mood-swinging, time-consuming, and a life-long process.

and there is nothing that i can do to feel alright at the moment. =/

you linger

even if in years to come, you still will linger in my life.

i know you will not be here, any more. no matter how hard i wished for you to be here.

so what i did is to place the things that carry your memories around me.


like the teddy i place in my car.

you will probably never set foot into my car.

but i feel safe with you.

so i put the teddy you gave in my car, next to me, to feel safe on the road.


like the cards i place on my wall.

you will probably never enter my room.

but i feel warm with you.

so i put the cards you sent on my wall, in front of me, to feel warm without your presence.


like the picture in my purse.

you will probably never going to open it any more.

but i feel happy with you.

so i put the picture in my purse, forever with me, to feel happy living life without you in the picture.


like the cd in my room.

you will probably never going to play music at my place any more.

but you were my music.

so i left the cd where you have placed it, in the cd player itself, as proof you were here once upon a time ago.


like the memories in my head.

you will probably never make any more memories with me in the future any more.

but you were everything.

so i flashbacks to those memories, in my head, to let me know i had loved and be loved.


like the places we have been to.

you will probably never take me to those places any more.

but i like walking with you.

so i go back to those places, killing my own time.


so even if i have changed much and being far away from you, i still think i am living in the past.


like this post that is about you.

you will probably don't give a damn in reading it any more.

but i like when you still care.

so i pretend you know what i am trying to tell you, and to be able to sleep well tonight.

watch me shine

mum and dad just left for home a few minutes ago, and i am feeling overwhelmed by loneliness and have already missed them so much.

i am terribly busy lately, i have not been talking to them. i arrived late for family dinner, and right after dinner i opened up my laptop to update myself with work and read my journals. i locked myself up to complete my assignments. for the past 24 hours, i think i barely talked to mum and dad. they were there, but i have been acting as if they were not there.

now that they went home, it kicked me in. i missed them.

ma, pa.. i miss you.

thanks for the tasty durian all the way from farm.

thanks for the sumptuous dinners.

thanks for the smiles and companion.

thanks for the advice, i know the news on papers freaked you out. i will take care, i promise.

thanks for giving me a wonderful family i am living in.

i am overwhelmed by happiness and contentment that i am in tears =')

i know you understand me being busy and all.

you understand.

and with that, i will let both of you sit back and watch me shine.

i am almost there.

and when the day comes that my name will be announced, i will go up the stage with my robe, smile the smile that i have been practising all night, take that bloody scroll and turn to look at both of you in tears, feeling forever grateful that the 3 years of hardships were worth the while.

i need

4th week of lectures coming, but then i still feel left out on so much.

i need a printer.

i need motivation.

i need some care.

i need more journals.

i need more time.

i need more of me time.

i need more peace.

i need my Lord.

heading final year

i just got my laptop back. and though there seems to be so much problem with it (at first it was the short life span charger, then the battery, then the virus, and now the cooling system have fault), i still love it all the same =)

i have started my final year! i cannot believe some day i will say that, but i guess the day had come.

busy.. totally. not just busy with final year project and assignments or class.. some other things just pop up and filled my time.

and i feel old. some how i think i look old too lol. few days ago my friend was convinced that i am married. i am not even close to walking down the aisle yet! XD

getting back to LIFE now. there will be gatherings and meetings to attend later on..

i only hope everything goes smooth =)

"i miss you"

i simply love to hear those words.

who doesn't? =)

and that is how i feel right now.

and while you were fast asleep and probably dreaming away,

i really wanted to say,

"i have missed you, i miss you, and i will miss you always"

missing Christmas

what i can say is i might not have a great Christmas this year. Last year's Christmas dad was readmitted to the hospital. though there are not much of a celebration, but i saw magic of Christmas when dad was healing day by day =)

now... Christmas week, will be my study week.

what is the fun in that?

at this very moment i really wish i can celebrate Christmas. seeing happy faces and good food. going to church and had a jolly caroling time. jingling everywhere and visiting loved ones.

i want to have Christmas now. (i wish!!)

haha

hopefully tonight i dream of Christmas

too much

i must have been hoping too much, i ended up feeling disappointed. i guess i never learn my mistake.

dreaming too much of things that are too good to be true, is a recipe for disaster..

that was what happened when i expect my day to turn out to be in some order, and the events that should happen just starts playing in my head over and over again, rehearse themselves as if it is a protocol.

well, as usual things go the other way, all of it.

i don't really know how to express my feelings right now, but i guess everyone had experienced it all the time. X)

now i need a good distraction to forget this 'broken dream' of mine.

whatever happens after this, i don't really care anymore.

swell~ =)

a taste of being an educator

mum had always been encouraging me to become a teacher some day.

she don't force me though, and i am not saying i don't want to be a teacher or anything.. i will just go with the flow, aye? =)

and lately i am exposed to being a part time educator. at times i will help mum post out her RPH, which is a timetable for each subject to be taught to students every day and the reflections after that.

and then now at this wee hours i am still up putting marks on the new system they made on website. which is so very awful. God bless all the teachers who have to go through this terrible system.

one thing that annoys me is the log in part. for at least 1 hour i was trapped in step 1.



another thing annoys me again, constantly in need to refresh the page, and in the end all the marks i have keyed in, has gone!

ah.. i admit i swear and curse a lot in my heart while doing this. X) gosh.. i need to calm down~

there are days when mum and dad come home from school that they start to talk about those naughty students at school who irritate them. some stories are just too... unbearable for me to imagine.

man, kids these days are nasty. do their parents even know it? do the parents have any freaking idea what their kids are doing at school?

some how i find it interesting to become a teacher... not at all easy but, but at all hard too.

so i imagined myself a teacher at some school right now.

wake up in the morning, send my husband and kids off to work and school, then prepare myself to work. at school as i walk pass the classes on the hall way, i can see paper crumbs flying around and students noises. i go into the class, teach as usual, give some homework, make myself busy in the office, take seat-ins, then in the afternoon i clock off to end my working hours. at the end of month, i got my pay.

i then will have plenty of time with my family for the rest of the day. as much as possible i don't want to neglect my darlings.. i believe in 'we don't live to work, we work to live'. enjoy the days we had with loved ones, seize the moment as much as we can.

sounded easy, hm?

or maybe being a lecturer is a better option. dealing with adult, which is the 'i heck care' attitude is soooo much easier. lol.

i think i have been ranting enough. it's nearly 2am and i just finished with one class. i thought i hear thunder. i feel cold breeze. i expect rain later. i hope to have a wonderful sleep.

good night, love

dear Love

it has been a while. but then again it seems like everyday that i have been with you.

the silence we had between me and you, made a tremendous confusion to me.

my mind tells me we have known each other very well, and there is no need to say much.

but my heart says we might be growing apart, each moment that comes by.

there are days that i am convinced i can get through this some how.



when i see cuddling couples,

happily married people,

people who settled down right,

men who had loved for infinite years,

girls who had found their prince charming,

they give it all away, give it all up...


and so for those moment, i was wondering:

what am i fighting for, exactly?


in a battle that i have already lost in the first place.

you are never going to come back, i know this.

and all these while i am trying hard to put up a poker face.

i must never show my affection to you.

i must never seek you when i needed you the most.

i must never say the words out.

i must never let you see how things are broken.

i must let you see the brighter side of me.


life has got to be more than this.

if i cannot come home to you,

then i probably should set foot outside and move.

move on until i feel tired, and only tired alone.

that i can eventually close my eyes to sleep.

Kuching Festival

food paradise! ah.. the beauty of living in a country where food are plenty =)

Kuching Festival is around the corner again. last year i went with my course mates and families.

Kuching Festival is not all selling food, but for the whole month they also organise other activities like football match, dragon boat and other competition. but i am always interested in the Food Fair only!

this year, i went with my parents and soon it will be me and my old friends from primary school.

nothing much changed compared to last year's Festival but i sure did try out some new things. my favorite would be the cempedak ice-cream! they said it was shipped from Sabah.. not bad at all.



mum enjoyed the big Bak Chang and dad enjoyed his Duck Rice. we tried the German Sausages and Brutwurst too.



lovely sunset


and an Angry Bird stall.. too many people queieng so i might have to try it some other day.


there's just too many food to try out, so little time and so little space in my tummy to eat them all =D

omnomnomnomnom..

my first date

was blog walking and read about my friend went dating.

all of a sudden, i had flashbacks from my first date, back in 2008.

was it with my boyfriend? nope.

was he my crush? nope.. not that i can recall haha

he was the guy in the same class as me. Josh (not the real name), was a senior of mine because he was taking the 2 years matriculation course.

the date we had is actually for our MUET class assignment. interesting, no? i was lucky when assigned to go on a date with him. because i feel that he is experienced and is able to treat girls well.

so when the day arrived, i was pretty nervous. my room mates knew about the date, and they got me all well primped and wore the best outfit i had. i tried to keep it cool, all the way.

when i arrived at the college gate he was there already, waiting for me. we took a bus to town together. first thing we did was to have lunch.

the thing that didn't make me too nervous is that the whole class went together in pairs. it is like a class trip, only you have to stick to one person throughout the journey.

he got a place which is a bit further than the rest of our friends. while the double dates were sitting in a big group having lunch, we were on the other end of the corner having ours. "more privacy", he said. =)

just like how boys should treat their girls, i was treated the same, like a princess for a day. he pulled out my chair for me to sit *kind of embarrassing but it was really sweet of him, helped me ordered my drink, went window shopping and made me laugh, went bowling (he was pro, i lost badly), and sent me back to my hostel after that.

in class, he was rather a serious person, always the quiet one. he is smart, no doubt on that. for the maths questions that i had no idea how to solve, he knows the formula and ways to solve it. i seldom talked to him in class, but on our date, i saw a different, witty side of him. which is good, which is memorable. =)

i remembered when i was in secondary school, i often wondered when will i ever find my other half, if those baby steps towards love haven't been taken yet. dating, kissing, meeting.. those kinds of baby steps. because at school i was the serious one. as the only daughter of parents who both work at the same school, i recall that there are none who dared to approach me. i am not all pretty or brainy, and often keep things to myself.

since then, i probably loved too much all these while. i got my heart broken.. twice to be exact, promises forgotten, and scars widely opened. but i think it is okay... i just haven't met the one for me yet.

like my friend always said, "my prince charming took the wrong turn, it takes time for him to arrive here to pick me up"

yesh, he is somewhere out there. and i will be waiting, not for my first date in my life, but my first date with him =)

undecided

i don't even know how to describe what i am feeling this moment. ahhhhh yaiyaii...

holiday so far

so far, so good =)

i am currently working as a all time driver, part time housewife, day time cook, and full time daughter to annoy mum and dad at home

and am enjoying cooking like never. i would imitate the chefs on tv, chopping while explaining the ingredients i am using for the cooking. haha the beauty of being alone at home, i am free to talk to myself *crazy.. yesh.. X)







then went to yum cha with old friends from primary school.. i terribly missed them. everyone had grown up to be a young lady and gentlemen already =) more pretty, more handsome, and more graceful.

so very different from primary school days, or even secondary school days! it makes me wonder, how far already have i grown up? how much did i change? how mature is my thinking? how different i am from when i was in primary or secondary school?



maybe i changed a little, then maybe, a lot.. some of my relatives cannot recognize me when i visit. somehow i feel a little bit depressed to be treated like a stranger.. but then i find the beauty in it too.

see, earlier i said i read about our words are like prayers. few years back, i often wanted to go somewhere where nobody knows me. i somehow found that place, right here in my hometown.

walking along the streets alone, i saw friends' mothers and familiar faces. i smiled at them, but all i get is ignorant. haha.. no heart feelings =)

but then when walking with my mum, people in the market would ask if i am Cecelia. yesh, i am her.. long time no see! =)

i like the feeling of not being known by anyone. not to say i am anti-social, i hang out a lot to be in that category, but somehow i love to be peaceful. i treasure people i know... but if i could show you, if you are able to take a glimpse in my past life, you know what i mean when i say i prefer not to be recognized.

right.. let's move on to what i did so far during holiday. pengilan! pengilan is s sarawakian malay language, means wedding reception. didn't attend much of pengilan, mum and dad is super busy with work and farm.. juggling here and there, i pity them sometimes.

i did attend my cousin's wedding though. great food and great companions.. great drinking session! *i didn't sip a beer.. elected as driver last minute X)

i was sitting the same table with all my cousins. and when cousins get together... its berry merry!!

half the holiday is over, half the fun is over.. but they say things will be much better in the end, so i believe it will be more fun for my every tomorrows!

ah.. should hit the bed soon. my insomnia is getting worser each day, mum starts to worry

goodnight and sleep tight =)

the way Jesus care

how to show, express, tell someone that you really care for them?

through many kinds of acts to show someone how you care, i especially love Jesus' way of telling us, He cares.. =)

i heard a story about one man who got cancer and had to be operated half of his stomach, which intrigued me.

he had sleepless nights since he was diagnosed. his body got weaker everyday and all his friends and colleagues would come to visit him everyday, bringing health foods and constantly supporting him.

the day came when he was admitted to the hospital to be prepared for surgery, and his friends would still come, and they started talking as if they were better than the surgeons and doctors by telling him,

"do not worry... just let the surgeon cut wherever they want. if need to cut half the stomach, so be it! they are very good, very professional.. it will be alright, you will be okay!"

despite all the positive encouragement as such, would one still think that he is able to sleep at that very night?

he was even worry, and couldn't even close his eyes throughout the night.

it was then one of his best friend who flew in from oversea, working as a doctor to visit him. after being asked how is he today, this man with cancer started to tell about his everyday life after being diagnosed with cancer to the doctor.

then, unlike any other friends who came and advised him not to worry, this doctor didn't say a word, and stayed with him that night at the hospital.

the very next day, this man had become a different person. see how one's care brings so much difference?..

my Jesus.. is just like that doctor. when i am heavily burdened, and started to complaint, i try my very best to reach out to Him. i do have my sleepless nights, more often during the times i am faced with problems i cannot solve. He knows very well my sufferings, because He was once a human, He has been through all emotions, all pains..

when i told Him all sorts of problems, He didn't say to me, "don't worry. everything will be alright. don't think too much, just sleep well tonight.."

instead, He stayed with me throughout the ordeal. He sat with me in the corner. He held me in the dark room. when there is nothing can be done, He still stick by me.

i feel that He is here with me. i adore His presence. and with that feeling, i have hope. i find peace in my heart.

like the doctor who stayed through the night with the man who have no more hope to live, Jesus stayed through your life, anyhow you needed Him.

hope you find peace in His presence. He doesn't necessary provide you answers to your problems, He will just stay by your side, no matter how ugly it gets. it is His way of caring towards you =)

expectations

a famous saying that goes, 'the higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment'

i always have expectations in things i do, and i also have expectations towards people around me.

and with those little expectations summing up altogether, i am facing a sky high disappointments in me. darn..

so from this moment onward, i will try not to have any more expectations.

maybe with this kind of attitude, i will be happier, merrier, and more free will.

the same goes in relationships. i expect nothing already from it. Oprah Winfrey mentioned that she is glad she is not married until this day, because to her, being married means there is expectations.

if the expectations are not met, people are bound to get disappointed and eventually, the marriage will not work.

i have expectations in my past relationships, and they didn't work. i guess, i learned my lesson..

i have expectations in my future, and it didn't go the way i wanted. yes, i learned my lesson.

so now i rip all my expectations, tore down those i must achieve lists, erase those judgement on how people should act..

and just, celebrate life.

finding grace

i always had this feeling of falling out of grace..

from some of my previous posts, it is obvious that i am searching for something to hold onto.

i know i should hold onto Jesus, but often i am unconvinced of myself, my own faith.

with all the things i addressed as problems, i blamed myself for not surrendering them to God. hopelessness as i see everything is falling apart. doubting my steps towards every tomorrows.

so then last night i went to the book store to look for a book to occupy my holidays.

there were many new bestsellers, interesting comics, up to date magazines, delicious cook books, colourful travelling books... so many nice things, none that interests me but one..

i guess i found a wonderful book to support my faith, strengthen my believe, open my eyes

and hopefully.. a heart warming answer when i read into it. =)

coffee and me

inseparable. =)

when i was a little girl, i was quite scared when being told by people that if small kid drink coffee, they will become dull and stupid because the coffee will fry their brains.

but mum would make a large jug of coffee to drink the whole day by my family every morning. she would pour 4 cups of coffee and placed them on the table for breakfast. then she will make me milo or tea (am the youngest, and therefore special xD)

and i often think how coffee would taste like back then. that black, oogy strong smell water..

my first sip (i remembered exactly the moment i fell in love with coffee!) was with daddy one evening while watching news. he was stirring his coffee when i sat on his lap, eyeing on the cup itself. i was around 5 or 6 years old, nearing my kindergarten days..so for 5 minutes i stare at the cup and watch the coffee water waves all made by dad's stirring.

then he carefully scooped out a small amount of it using the spoon. i was amazed and weird enough, i see the coffee as if it is a magic potion. tiny vapors of steam came out from the spoon, and dad gave it a small blow. when all is clear, he offered it to me and placed it near my mouth.

i sipped.

darn... it tasted real good. daddy said Nescafe back in those days were supreme, strong and aromatic, unlike what it is today.

after first sip i was terribly sad, thinking that i have spoiled my brain and will disappoint mum and dad. i quickly put the blame on my dad...

"i drink this one, not stupid ha later? people say it kill my brain.. can die earlier... "

daddy was cool with it, replying a short yet reassuring, "nonsense."

ergo, my inseparable days with coffee starts there.

and mum would pour 5 cups of coffee every morning since then.

so until today, i have the habit of drinking massive amounts of coffee.. at home or outside..








now white coffee has become more and more popular.. and yes, i enjoyed it all the same.

hmm... suddenly i look forward to wake up tomorrow morning and have my cup of coffee.

goodnight, world. sleep tight and sweet dreams =)

from,
one-of-the-gazilions-coffee-lover-in-the-world

e-mail me a happiness

i am so glad, finally there is something that can make me feel better =)

received an e-mail from my mentor and she gave me a link that brings a smile to my face.

i am on the papers!

page 8 my little review on e-learning was made this year's magazine for higher education and universities!!

http://meipta.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/buletin-meipta-bil1.pdf


little happiness sure comes from a long way... =)

searching for peace

i think i have cried a litre of tears these few days.

slowly-slowly, i think God has been answering my prayers, giving me guidance, showing me signs that he heard my cry.

i heard a special message from God, through a new priest at church today, that rocked my heart.

but currently i am in a bad state of mind.

bad that i cannot describe in words alone.

a speechless bad..

hopefully it will not be prolonged, i need some rest, and perhaps some peace at heart

thoughts

some might not understand me when i am quiet or in total silence.. those are the moments when i am in my deep thoughts. my thoughts can continue until i have sleepless nights thinking about it.. which made me seriously think that i have bipolar disorders..

thoughts which are too deep, i cannot even speak =)

it drives me crazy when i cannot answer my own questions, like,

"is this the path of life that i wanted? the life that i choose to live in..?"

no answer.


"do i roughly know my future, or what to expect from it?"

...no answer.


and one of the question my other friends would pose to me, which left me wondered along myself:

"after you graduate, what do you want to do?"

same... no answer.

then i try to see the world around me. all who have walked passed me, they might have some purpose of their life, which they know about it. some don't, and are lost, like me..

looking back 3 years ago, i started living in a broken dream. my life was made clear by my family, all plans were constructed perfectly, and i should end up to be a certain someone, someone important.

i drifted off from their plans. i walked away from my dream. i tried something bold, until i started to question whether i have made the right choice.

the choice of having a future without any plans.

some days i believe i can get through and be successful,

other days like today, i feel... hopeless.

i try to sought comfort from the websites, they did not help much to counterattack these doubts i have in me.

i try to sought comfort from my Creator, the prayers helped calm my heart, and place these wobbly feet back on track.

i should not worry much, don't i?

someday i will be able to answer these stupid thoughts, and have a good night rest.
my prayers will be answered, and i will live according to His will.

suddenly i remembered what daddy told me, "live according to God's will, and you will be blessed a thousand folds"

how true.. how reassuring =)

slumber party

last Friday i attended slumber party at my friend's house with few of the other girls. it was my first time spending a night with them since we have known each other for a long, long time (primary school days).

it was a blast, but sadly we did not have the chance for pillow fighting haha

we watched movie, had facial mask, played fortune-telling, played cho dai di, small guitar lessons, camera-whoring, eating junk foods and all-time-girls favorite: gossiping! X)

nothing beats good food and great companions in life.. moments like this are rare and i treasured it so much.

the party was awesome and i only slept at 5.30am! my friend's dad saw us enjoying ourselves and asked us to do this kind of party again next time =)

talking to marianne behind as the girls watched movie


serenading the rest with my guitar (skills of course, the guitar belongs to my friend's dad)


dress code: sleeping dress


20 years living, and this was my first time having a slumber party =) many thanks to my friends who planned for all of this to happen.. thank you, thank you, thank you

her tears

feeling rather down these days when i watch her holding back her tears every night in front of the altar.

she told me, that i understand her now, more than any others do.

yes.. i guess i do.

but there is nothing i can do to make her feel right.

only fear and perhaps anger fills my heart to see her ending up in that corner.

she was hurt.

hurt inside, probably her chest hurts like i did before.

but she carried on smiling, carried on her duties, carried on her life.

keeping so small the thing that matters most to her heart.

her tears is deeper than any emotions,

tears that you wished you didn't see.

and holding her hands, with lit candles in front of the altar,

i prayed for peace to be in her heart,

i prayed for her prayers to be answered,

i prayed for her health,

and i prayed for the tears would run dry someday.

if you see her tears, please stay beside her.

if you see her tears, do hold my hands tight,

because i am weakened to my very soul to see her.

me and her, we are both in indescribable doubt.

me and her, are in unuttered sadness.

her and me, had lost something precious.

tumbling down the rabbit hole

i did not get to online very often during the holidays. but life was good, every single moment of it so far.

i get to know so many friends, catching up with old friends, spend time with my family, go for adventures, do what i like most (guitar and cooking), waking up without my alarm, go for a long grocery shopping, travelling.. too much to list down everything!

last night went for a movie with my old friends from primary school. we watched X-men First class. i was sitting next to a new friend (a friend of a friend) from Sabah and he had quite a sense of humor. the storyline was a little bit slow but because he made jokes out of it, i managed to stay awake throughout the story! then my friend was wondering, what would it be like if we watched KungFu Panda together instead.. i might be ROFL all the way X)


dinner at Tarot's cafe.. while waiting for the food they gave us UNO to play


heading to MBO cineplex with wide smiles and a bag of popcorn at hand.. can't wait for X-Men First Class!


the thing that i am grateful most is that i don't have to face any assignments! of course i have trouble sleeping but it beats the tension i have in doing assignments.
but the sleepless nights of doing assignments was worth it. my result was good, and i did not disappoint mum and dad =)

after for this long of holiday, i realize that no matter how jolly good time i had, i am still finding that missing piece.

there are still so many things i wonder in my mind. and maybe that is why i have been losing my sleep. if only things were crystal clear, i will not have trouble thinking about it.

so lately i feel like i am tumbling down the rabbit hole. the journey was fast, and at times i hit the rocks, scarred myself and bumped my head. but the suspense from the journey is able to bring smiles onto my face..

with that, living is good. i don't mind tumbling down further. life has got to be more than all of these. someday i will find the answer.

venturing Singapore

it was the first time travelling with a friend to another country, filled with anxiousness and worries but nevertheless, it was enjoyable even to the last bits of time spent in Singapore =)

i was worried because i was the one responsible for the whole trip including the place to stay, the places to visit there, financial spending, food, drinks, tickets to fly to and fro, travelling insurance, luggage... not thinking only for me myself but also for my friend, Phy phy. 2 young girls travelling.. there is no place for mistakes or become careless.. but thank God, everything was smooth~

double-checking flight time



we stayed at River City Inn in Clarke Quay. it was a bed and breakfast inn and i loved the place and the people very much!

i got the chance to make new friend from Ipoh on the first night we arrived. shared stories and experiences, as well as played few board games which i am not familiar with (well, everyone was not familiar with haha.. we referred to the instructions but end up playing by our own rules!)

p/s:next time we should play the Blackmail game the right way!! haha

then in the 8 ladies dorm, i made friends with Mar from Philippines and Miki from Japan. we chatted and had a great laugh until there were people who asked whether we came to Singapore together. when we told them we just became friends few moments ago they could not believe it, and told us that it is as if we were friends for a long time already =)

making friends with them, had made the trip a worthwhile and more meaningful (short but sweet).. may God bless each and everyone of them, and hopefully someday we are able to meet again and have a blast.

the best thing about staying in a bed and breakfast is that one is able to explore the culture of not only the local people, but also to meet people from all over the world. i love having breakfast in the morning, because that is the time i can mingle around with other tourists, mostly from European countries.

in Singapore, we went to Bugis Street, Chinatown, Little India, Marina Bay Sands, Sentosa Island, Universal Studio Singapore and of course, Clarke Quay. i would love to tell each and every bits of the fascinating things i have been through but that would be taking a long time and bore you to death. overall, i love Singapore!







it was the best memory made between me and phy phy. it was those time i wished that i have a sister to venture the world with me again someday.

surprisingly i am going back to Singapore again someday soon. this time it is for a family vacation. going back there i would certainly hunt for that oh-so-delicious meat bun at Chinatown again XD





my habit: a big starbucks frappuccino while walking a long distance




a hearty breakfast in airport before departing


buh-bye Singapore... it had been wonderful =)

a forgotten promise.. what can one do about it?

i realise that hanging on to a promise is hard.

it gets even harder when you know the person who promised you seems to forget about it.

and now it might be the hardest thing to do: to forget the forgotten promise.

exam fever~

only tomorrow after my one last final paper i allow myself to worry about my this stoopid prolonged cough..

what a week i had.. and TGIF!!

my current stats:

erm.. i just swept my room, and the broom picked up a big pile of my dropped hair. might be bald one of these days!

and feel feverish especially after walking out from the exam hall. bad timing for fever.. fever shuuuuuuuh!

last night i start to have my period, then the period pain hits me in the evening when i had to study for 2 papers for the next day. as much as i would like to rest and fight the pain, i had to force myself to do that one last revision before bed. i had to guling-guling on my bed while gripping hard on my notes thinking, "why why why why now painful??? >.<" hahaha

bad timing again.. but with God's grace i made it through the night =D

1 good thing about having period now.. next week during travelling i don't have to worry about it already XD

physically tired, but mentally i am not giving up just yet.

alright, off to revise for my last paper. the next post might be about my independence day and singing bruno mars lazy song all the way =P

good luck

oh, hi there!

i am surprised by the fact that someday my children might read my blogs..
made me realize that i should mind my language from now on.. =P

hello darling/darlings,

do enjoy the rantings, bits and pieces of my life

love you most, each and every day.

hugs and kisses,
mum-who-loved-you-even-before-you-were-born =)

grandma po po =)

getting my mind off the book for a while here...

exam week can be so depressing sometimes haha

looks like everyone at home is having a viral attack with coughing until sore throat. daddy and my brother is on antibiotics.. i wonder if i should take antibiotics too or not. i ate my cough medicine and it didn't help at all.

last Sunday was grandma's birthday! wheeee~ long live the queen! =D

supposedly there is a good big celebration but in the end we had to improvise in celebrating it. had a jolly good night eating dim sum together.

so here is to grandma:

happy birthday, popo.
love you =)

*hugs

i miss travelling!

blogging away while sipping tea and watching a royal wedding between Kate Middleton and Prince William which is held in London.

suddenly i miss London! the cool weather and great building architecture, the gardens and palaces all around... everything is a beau.

and when the royal wedding video start showing the alleys and the palaces, flashbacks were all i had. i couldn't believe i walked in those places before =)

i also miss miss Lisbee, my tour guide when i was in London. a young lady who volunteers to be a tour guide and one can pay her any amount after the tour. we walked through Buckingham palace, Big Ben, eyes of London, Westminster Abbey, London Bridge... can't remember all =P

i do miss the good old days of travelling.. if i were able to, i would love to tour Europe again someday.

but as for now, i can't wait to tour my own and the neighborhood countries! i wish holiday is here, naoooo! hahaha

a traveler at heart,
cc

HABBO life

i had a crazy cyber life once. crazy, to the max. you can ask my mum.

at that time she was terribly worried over my internet addiction...

i was 17 and waiting for my Form 5 result out. tired of waiting i started to do web-surfing. it started out as an innocent web-search on places to study after college then everything changed once i clicked on a game named HABBO.

in HABBO, i started decorating my room, wearing cute outfits, getting a "virtual" job, making new friends all over Malaysia and Singapore, played HABBO indoor games with them.. everything was fun.

i had a bunch of virtual friends: prettynora, miszfara, klukkluk, oresama, zan, -=JW=-, godluvme.. just to name a few. that was the first time hanging out with friends who don't share the same age and continent as me.

and my, those were the days i wouldn't want to miss. there are so much things to talk, so many things to do, things to share...

we were in HABBO SG, meaning the people who played are locals from Malaysia and Singapore. i remember one night when we all made a pack to create ourself a new profile at HABBO AUST. that was because that time the snowball game in HABBO australia was free. we waited for each other and we played snowball together. even though it's a virtual game, i do feel that we were real friends who hang out together and have some fun =) it was a whole lot of a game, because we only stopped at 4 in the morning.

then i have a great companion too. the one who wants to sit next to me and talk all night until HABBO closes at 3am. the jokes and laughter are playing in my mind now, like a black and white movie without a sound. sometimes we had countdown before the game closes and bid each other goodnight. =)

i received many virtual presents, too. they are all from my friends and some from people i don't know. i decorated them in my room and few months back when i revisited, everything was still there. my heart somehow aches to see the memories i had in that room of mine. how time had passed and changed us.

i can consider i was playful at that time. there are many 'virtual' boyfriends but none were serious. so far i heard one is engaged and another had stable girlfriend already. the rest just come and go with the wind, but there is one, i think, maybe, just maybe, is a keeper.. that, we let nature takes place =)

i had sleep deprivation, zero attention, and HABBO minded after weeks playing it. nothing in real life matters. i even unintended-ly ignored mum's calling because my mind was not there. my temper was extra bad, i get angry easily. then i finally try to change back to my old self, cutting down my time playing HABBO, then eventually stopped.

i tried to keep in touch with my HABBO friends, but never can do so. moving out from home and staying in college without internet connection made me lost contact with them. well, not all of them. there are few that i can consider changed from HABBO friends to real friends.

take for example, a friend who was sponsored by MARA scholarship had helped me to go through interview. he even called me and give me encouragements. though i did not make the cut, i am still thankful to him.

and then another friend, haha i got too many to talk about him. this one is a special case. to simplify it, he is from nobody to somebody in my life. he changed me to be a better person.. believe it or not =)

i never wanted to go back to my HABBO days. like what my brother said(an ex World of Warcraft serious gamer), "going back would only kill the mystery" (or something similar).

probably my longest post so far.. but yea, those were my pieces of memory playing internet games and meeting people.

family gathering!

it feels like everyone is back to base... except that the family is getting bigger!

my 2 brothers are getting married within these 2 months.. soon my family will have 2 extra, pretty, smart, dotting daughters hehe

the house is now full with future in-laws who came all the way from Singapore. this is their first time experiencing Sarawak and tomorrow morning they will all head down to my daddy's paradise for a picnic. gear-up those sunblocks and insect-repellents loved ones.. it is going to be a farm-fun day for all! =)

sadly i don't think i can join them tomorrow. my exam is on monday but if i can catch a sneak peak on Sannie jie's DSLR after their trip i might share bits and pieces from their adventure. something like fishing and collecting fruits are on the to-do-list tomorrow hehe..

with all the great company and delightful foods i was sometimes bombarded by questions like,

"when is your turn to get marry?"

"got boyfriend already ah?"

ahahahahha..hmmm.. i am still too young to get married loh.. want to finish my studies. once i declare i am independent(working and can take care of myself) THEN.. i shall think of finding my other half...

today the best compliment i got was when mum told me what auntie told her earlier: "lu eh daughter, jin eh sui oh"

*shy...

a compliment from a pretty lady herself.. now how awesome is that? =)

overall, tired tired tired!! tonight should read some books before heading to bed. played hard already for today, at night should work hard. jia youu!!

all these shall pass

too many things going on lately and i have a fear of giving myself in. because if i do, i will crash... for now, i must be strong to go through all of these!

bob is having his working leave because of his chicken pox. half-hearted to be at home because i fear that i might get infected by him.

mum is not in a good condition. she went for medical check-up and turns out everything was high: blood pressure high, sugar-level high, cholesterol level high... now she constantly has bad headaches and some flu going on. she almost had stroke last wednesday which really made me kam chiong.. her urine test was not good too... God knows what it means and i only pray that she will be fine... i trust the medical officers and that mum is at best hands always.

grandma also not in good condition. she had bad gastric i believe, and that eventually leads to pneumonia and she was rushed to emergency unit and had to stay at ward for a night. when i visit her she can barely breath... why all of these happen when i am having my final exam in a week time..?

then comes to my problem. carry marks are out and i got the sudden jitters and nervousness when i see them. initially i was wondering where did i done wrong but then i give up wondering.. life is as it is: unfair. so be it. i shall live with my carry marks, and be happy with it. with that carry marks, i should try harder in my exams.. end of misery number one =)

another problem: supervisor for my final year project. i approached to someone but it turns out that we are not eye to eye. i feel rejected, i still do. everyone else already have their supervisor booked but i am still lost. oh well, someday i will get me a supervisor and give my hell best to him or her for my final year project. watch me shine!!

and there are tonnes of other personal problems that i am reluctant to tell.. i don't even want to admit to myself that i have these problems. for now, there is no time for self-pity.. must just go on..

all these shall pass. yes, they shall pass =)

1 year ago

i wonder if the falling down in bathroom a year ago still affects my hips.. until today on cold weathers or when tired, my hips would pain a lot.

and when it pains, my walking posture is affected. i would use my hand to press against my left hip while walking to reduce the pain.. *sigh, what have i done to my body?

and boy, what i had before... it could have been a year. i mean, almost.

scuba diving on bed

after 1 months of lack of sleep with health deteriorating and immune system running low, i finally can declare tonight that:

"assignments all done!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can sleep all i can!! time to scuba dive on my bed!!!!"

so i took a long cold shower, puff on baby bedtime powder all over, blow dry my hair, put on my yellow pyjamas, quick blogging while drinking a cup of milk and try to get some sleep later



darn... sheepish smile from a terribly tired me

time to heal them panda eyes and backache and the 3 weeks cough i have from the sleepless nights

for those who invented the warm, cosy bed.. thank you and God bless.. haha

good night, world =)

雨天 孫燕姿

站在十字路的交點 該怎麼走 我卻只想回頭
除了你給的傘 我再也沒有
別的藉口 去擁有你的什麼

你能體諒我有雨天 偶爾膽怯你都了解
過去那些 大雨落下的瞬間 我突然發現
誰能體諒我的雨天 所以情願回你身邊
此刻腳步會慢一些 如此堅決 你卻越來越遠

牽手和分手來自同一雙手 作回朋友 我卻悔恨不懂挽留

你能體諒我有雨天 偶爾膽怯你都了解
過去那些 大雨落下的瞬間 我突然發現
誰能體諒我的雨天 所以情願回你身邊
此刻腳步會慢一些 如此堅決 你卻越來越遠

是否太晚 路已走遠 我的眼眶淚太滿 走不回你身邊

你能體諒我有雨天 偶爾膽怯你都了解
過去那些 大雨落下的瞬間 我突然發現
誰能體諒 我的雨天
此刻腳步會慢一些 如此堅決 你卻越來越遠

depressed

i have something heavy in my chest

it hurts most of the time

and certain songs can trigger the pain

i fear being lonely

because tears love misery

and there is nothing i can do on the inside

i sealed what i feel with a smile on my face

other than dearest daddy God to talk to

i let the walls become my ears

i let the floors catch my tears

and i let darkness hug me tight

how should i go from here?

how can i not cry every time i think about it?

how can i have a nice sleep from this night on?

how

how to make this heart feeling lighter and this chest better?

update for the week

frizzy, busy, dizzy...

to sum up my current status, i am disorganized, eat-only-when-hungry, sleep deprivation, overdosed-coffee, assignment-flooded, lack attention, disappointed... enough said.

but not all things are bad. i have my share of happiness, and friends to share it with.. and i am glad to have that opportunity to share sweet moments with them =) God bless them

this week is ethnic week in my faculty. course mates were to dressed in traditional costumes and open up a booth on exhibition day. the days were colourful with all sorts of ethnics found in Sarawak.

was dozing off when i saw Vanilla was staring at me. alright alright.... i am going back to work =,=

hard to find time for everything, and for that i am truly sorry. will make it up someday, especially to mum, dad and my friends who have been trying hard all these time to keep the friendship alive. i might have been ignorant... so, thank you for the understanding, thank you for the laughs, thank you for the time.

after all of these are DONE, let's have a celebration =)

off to do what i ought to do!~

i am officially drenched with tiredness.. i am having my 3rd cup of coffee and still, i am sleepy..

and i really am not looking forward to weekends now.. because all the weekends i had for the past months was sleep deprivation and neck wrangling events of assignment due dates.

plus with people talk bitterly, people act bitterly, things that goes bitter and nothing seems to work for me makes me feel that i am cursed.

how i wish things will be better tomorrow.

how i wish i am like the cupcake, receiving sweetness abundantly, just for a change.

home

i love to fly, i love my freedom

i would give anything just for a try

of the outside world, far and wide.

i promised myself that:

i won't regret every disappointments

i won't regret every injuries

i won't cry if i fall hard.

because i know i can always go back to you

because i know you will always be there

you will be waiting with an empty seat next to you

because you love me.

and with your love i went on further

with your love you sent me higher

your love was too much you set me free

free to go and explore, and to try love the other.

i flew far, as far as i can

fell, stumbled, injured and bruised

until i realize i am back to the same spot

the spot where you are, and where you will always be.

i flew just around the corner with my broken wings

too scared to disturb you, too scared to come back

i watched you waiting, you were so peaceful

and if you can see me now,

i hope you can come and take me home.

take me home.

museums day!

visited 3 museums today with my bestie: ethnology museum, art museum and Sarawak textile museum!! =)

not many photos taken because we were not allowed to take pictures in many places, but we sure had an eye-full of fun and enjoyment.

even though i lived in Sarawak for the past 20 years, i have not been experiencing a down to earth and wonderful adventure with my bestie.

normally i would pass all of these museums and streets sitting in my car at fast paced but this time, i actually walked the streets under the hot sun with any other tourists that passed by. Saturday well spent!

long house models. this is especially for my Ethnic Relationship assignment on Kenyah longhouse.

weaving ladies hehe

waving goodbye to textile museum, and into China Town street

Bidayuh wedding traditional clothes =)

auntie, look at the camera~

pretty lady showing us how weaving is done, traditionally

granny nyonya sewing my pink kebaya =P

murals on the walls everywhere in the museums

manslaughter days... thank goodness no more

i have not finish exploring my home here in Sarawak. there are still many more streets to walk, foods to eat, people to see, and things to discover.

come.. pack your bags with drinks and buns, and put on your best pair of shoe..

we are going for another long and far exploration on different cultures and surroundings =)