"my life is harder than your life" duh

first off, i am far from perfect. i am far from being better than anybody else. i am just simply me.

but there is a particular friend of mine who like to compare me with her, judging me without trying to step on my shoes and to actually walk a mile in it.

i have been telling her over and over again: we are different. my life path is different, but i never said that i am better than you are. you, me.. we both live in a hard way.

and maybe that is why i have been acting cold towards her. it is not that i hate her, but i have hard time pleasing myself, let alone to please her and her "my life is harder than your life" comparisons.

i should feel better when with friends, even if i get criticize from them but those criticism are for my good, not to make me feel down.

but from her i learned that i should not, as a friend, to compare myself with my own bestie. in any ways, anything, any how.. i must not compare myself with my friends. even if i do, i keep those silly thoughts to myself so that i will not hurt my friends' feelings.

for friends are hard to find these days ;)

holiday seems so far away!

7th week of classes. 7 weeks of madness. 7 weeks of throwing out the map out of the window, just to stop the car at the side of the road to pick up the damn map again.

my point is, i feel annoyed, honestly.

i finished my proposal earlier than the Gantt chart. sent it in as the first draft to my supervisor. but i am far from feeling relief.

i feel suffocated with the rest of the assignments. less than 10 weeks to go to finish this semester, and yet i have 11 assignments, still counting, on the run.

i feel so annoyed that i have deactivated my facebook account out of rage *don't ask why, i just did.

roller coaster ride seems like a splendid plan for now. bungee jumping can be great at this wee hours. sleeping sounds good too.

i cant find proper words to write, i am afraid some bad words will come out from my post here. before this happen, i should do something more beneficial rather than ranting here.

i am stressed, yes. but tomorrow will be better, aite?? =)

each step

each step away from you was heart-stabbing, tear-dropping, energy-sucking, sleep-lacking, angry-birding, mood-swinging, time-consuming, and a life-long process.

and there is nothing that i can do to feel alright at the moment. =/

you linger

even if in years to come, you still will linger in my life.

i know you will not be here, any more. no matter how hard i wished for you to be here.

so what i did is to place the things that carry your memories around me.


like the teddy i place in my car.

you will probably never set foot into my car.

but i feel safe with you.

so i put the teddy you gave in my car, next to me, to feel safe on the road.


like the cards i place on my wall.

you will probably never enter my room.

but i feel warm with you.

so i put the cards you sent on my wall, in front of me, to feel warm without your presence.


like the picture in my purse.

you will probably never going to open it any more.

but i feel happy with you.

so i put the picture in my purse, forever with me, to feel happy living life without you in the picture.


like the cd in my room.

you will probably never going to play music at my place any more.

but you were my music.

so i left the cd where you have placed it, in the cd player itself, as proof you were here once upon a time ago.


like the memories in my head.

you will probably never make any more memories with me in the future any more.

but you were everything.

so i flashbacks to those memories, in my head, to let me know i had loved and be loved.


like the places we have been to.

you will probably never take me to those places any more.

but i like walking with you.

so i go back to those places, killing my own time.


so even if i have changed much and being far away from you, i still think i am living in the past.


like this post that is about you.

you will probably don't give a damn in reading it any more.

but i like when you still care.

so i pretend you know what i am trying to tell you, and to be able to sleep well tonight.

watch me shine

mum and dad just left for home a few minutes ago, and i am feeling overwhelmed by loneliness and have already missed them so much.

i am terribly busy lately, i have not been talking to them. i arrived late for family dinner, and right after dinner i opened up my laptop to update myself with work and read my journals. i locked myself up to complete my assignments. for the past 24 hours, i think i barely talked to mum and dad. they were there, but i have been acting as if they were not there.

now that they went home, it kicked me in. i missed them.

ma, pa.. i miss you.

thanks for the tasty durian all the way from farm.

thanks for the sumptuous dinners.

thanks for the smiles and companion.

thanks for the advice, i know the news on papers freaked you out. i will take care, i promise.

thanks for giving me a wonderful family i am living in.

i am overwhelmed by happiness and contentment that i am in tears =')

i know you understand me being busy and all.

you understand.

and with that, i will let both of you sit back and watch me shine.

i am almost there.

and when the day comes that my name will be announced, i will go up the stage with my robe, smile the smile that i have been practising all night, take that bloody scroll and turn to look at both of you in tears, feeling forever grateful that the 3 years of hardships were worth the while.