finding grace

i always had this feeling of falling out of grace..

from some of my previous posts, it is obvious that i am searching for something to hold onto.

i know i should hold onto Jesus, but often i am unconvinced of myself, my own faith.

with all the things i addressed as problems, i blamed myself for not surrendering them to God. hopelessness as i see everything is falling apart. doubting my steps towards every tomorrows.

so then last night i went to the book store to look for a book to occupy my holidays.

there were many new bestsellers, interesting comics, up to date magazines, delicious cook books, colourful travelling books... so many nice things, none that interests me but one..

i guess i found a wonderful book to support my faith, strengthen my believe, open my eyes

and hopefully.. a heart warming answer when i read into it. =)

coffee and me

inseparable. =)

when i was a little girl, i was quite scared when being told by people that if small kid drink coffee, they will become dull and stupid because the coffee will fry their brains.

but mum would make a large jug of coffee to drink the whole day by my family every morning. she would pour 4 cups of coffee and placed them on the table for breakfast. then she will make me milo or tea (am the youngest, and therefore special xD)

and i often think how coffee would taste like back then. that black, oogy strong smell water..

my first sip (i remembered exactly the moment i fell in love with coffee!) was with daddy one evening while watching news. he was stirring his coffee when i sat on his lap, eyeing on the cup itself. i was around 5 or 6 years old, nearing my kindergarten days..so for 5 minutes i stare at the cup and watch the coffee water waves all made by dad's stirring.

then he carefully scooped out a small amount of it using the spoon. i was amazed and weird enough, i see the coffee as if it is a magic potion. tiny vapors of steam came out from the spoon, and dad gave it a small blow. when all is clear, he offered it to me and placed it near my mouth.

i sipped.

darn... it tasted real good. daddy said Nescafe back in those days were supreme, strong and aromatic, unlike what it is today.

after first sip i was terribly sad, thinking that i have spoiled my brain and will disappoint mum and dad. i quickly put the blame on my dad...

"i drink this one, not stupid ha later? people say it kill my brain.. can die earlier... "

daddy was cool with it, replying a short yet reassuring, "nonsense."

ergo, my inseparable days with coffee starts there.

and mum would pour 5 cups of coffee every morning since then.

so until today, i have the habit of drinking massive amounts of coffee.. at home or outside..








now white coffee has become more and more popular.. and yes, i enjoyed it all the same.

hmm... suddenly i look forward to wake up tomorrow morning and have my cup of coffee.

goodnight, world. sleep tight and sweet dreams =)

from,
one-of-the-gazilions-coffee-lover-in-the-world

e-mail me a happiness

i am so glad, finally there is something that can make me feel better =)

received an e-mail from my mentor and she gave me a link that brings a smile to my face.

i am on the papers!

page 8 my little review on e-learning was made this year's magazine for higher education and universities!!

http://meipta.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/buletin-meipta-bil1.pdf


little happiness sure comes from a long way... =)

searching for peace

i think i have cried a litre of tears these few days.

slowly-slowly, i think God has been answering my prayers, giving me guidance, showing me signs that he heard my cry.

i heard a special message from God, through a new priest at church today, that rocked my heart.

but currently i am in a bad state of mind.

bad that i cannot describe in words alone.

a speechless bad..

hopefully it will not be prolonged, i need some rest, and perhaps some peace at heart

thoughts

some might not understand me when i am quiet or in total silence.. those are the moments when i am in my deep thoughts. my thoughts can continue until i have sleepless nights thinking about it.. which made me seriously think that i have bipolar disorders..

thoughts which are too deep, i cannot even speak =)

it drives me crazy when i cannot answer my own questions, like,

"is this the path of life that i wanted? the life that i choose to live in..?"

no answer.


"do i roughly know my future, or what to expect from it?"

...no answer.


and one of the question my other friends would pose to me, which left me wondered along myself:

"after you graduate, what do you want to do?"

same... no answer.

then i try to see the world around me. all who have walked passed me, they might have some purpose of their life, which they know about it. some don't, and are lost, like me..

looking back 3 years ago, i started living in a broken dream. my life was made clear by my family, all plans were constructed perfectly, and i should end up to be a certain someone, someone important.

i drifted off from their plans. i walked away from my dream. i tried something bold, until i started to question whether i have made the right choice.

the choice of having a future without any plans.

some days i believe i can get through and be successful,

other days like today, i feel... hopeless.

i try to sought comfort from the websites, they did not help much to counterattack these doubts i have in me.

i try to sought comfort from my Creator, the prayers helped calm my heart, and place these wobbly feet back on track.

i should not worry much, don't i?

someday i will be able to answer these stupid thoughts, and have a good night rest.
my prayers will be answered, and i will live according to His will.

suddenly i remembered what daddy told me, "live according to God's will, and you will be blessed a thousand folds"

how true.. how reassuring =)

slumber party

last Friday i attended slumber party at my friend's house with few of the other girls. it was my first time spending a night with them since we have known each other for a long, long time (primary school days).

it was a blast, but sadly we did not have the chance for pillow fighting haha

we watched movie, had facial mask, played fortune-telling, played cho dai di, small guitar lessons, camera-whoring, eating junk foods and all-time-girls favorite: gossiping! X)

nothing beats good food and great companions in life.. moments like this are rare and i treasured it so much.

the party was awesome and i only slept at 5.30am! my friend's dad saw us enjoying ourselves and asked us to do this kind of party again next time =)

talking to marianne behind as the girls watched movie


serenading the rest with my guitar (skills of course, the guitar belongs to my friend's dad)


dress code: sleeping dress


20 years living, and this was my first time having a slumber party =) many thanks to my friends who planned for all of this to happen.. thank you, thank you, thank you

her tears

feeling rather down these days when i watch her holding back her tears every night in front of the altar.

she told me, that i understand her now, more than any others do.

yes.. i guess i do.

but there is nothing i can do to make her feel right.

only fear and perhaps anger fills my heart to see her ending up in that corner.

she was hurt.

hurt inside, probably her chest hurts like i did before.

but she carried on smiling, carried on her duties, carried on her life.

keeping so small the thing that matters most to her heart.

her tears is deeper than any emotions,

tears that you wished you didn't see.

and holding her hands, with lit candles in front of the altar,

i prayed for peace to be in her heart,

i prayed for her prayers to be answered,

i prayed for her health,

and i prayed for the tears would run dry someday.

if you see her tears, please stay beside her.

if you see her tears, do hold my hands tight,

because i am weakened to my very soul to see her.

me and her, we are both in indescribable doubt.

me and her, are in unuttered sadness.

her and me, had lost something precious.

tumbling down the rabbit hole

i did not get to online very often during the holidays. but life was good, every single moment of it so far.

i get to know so many friends, catching up with old friends, spend time with my family, go for adventures, do what i like most (guitar and cooking), waking up without my alarm, go for a long grocery shopping, travelling.. too much to list down everything!

last night went for a movie with my old friends from primary school. we watched X-men First class. i was sitting next to a new friend (a friend of a friend) from Sabah and he had quite a sense of humor. the storyline was a little bit slow but because he made jokes out of it, i managed to stay awake throughout the story! then my friend was wondering, what would it be like if we watched KungFu Panda together instead.. i might be ROFL all the way X)


dinner at Tarot's cafe.. while waiting for the food they gave us UNO to play


heading to MBO cineplex with wide smiles and a bag of popcorn at hand.. can't wait for X-Men First Class!


the thing that i am grateful most is that i don't have to face any assignments! of course i have trouble sleeping but it beats the tension i have in doing assignments.
but the sleepless nights of doing assignments was worth it. my result was good, and i did not disappoint mum and dad =)

after for this long of holiday, i realize that no matter how jolly good time i had, i am still finding that missing piece.

there are still so many things i wonder in my mind. and maybe that is why i have been losing my sleep. if only things were crystal clear, i will not have trouble thinking about it.

so lately i feel like i am tumbling down the rabbit hole. the journey was fast, and at times i hit the rocks, scarred myself and bumped my head. but the suspense from the journey is able to bring smiles onto my face..

with that, living is good. i don't mind tumbling down further. life has got to be more than all of these. someday i will find the answer.

venturing Singapore

it was the first time travelling with a friend to another country, filled with anxiousness and worries but nevertheless, it was enjoyable even to the last bits of time spent in Singapore =)

i was worried because i was the one responsible for the whole trip including the place to stay, the places to visit there, financial spending, food, drinks, tickets to fly to and fro, travelling insurance, luggage... not thinking only for me myself but also for my friend, Phy phy. 2 young girls travelling.. there is no place for mistakes or become careless.. but thank God, everything was smooth~

double-checking flight time



we stayed at River City Inn in Clarke Quay. it was a bed and breakfast inn and i loved the place and the people very much!

i got the chance to make new friend from Ipoh on the first night we arrived. shared stories and experiences, as well as played few board games which i am not familiar with (well, everyone was not familiar with haha.. we referred to the instructions but end up playing by our own rules!)

p/s:next time we should play the Blackmail game the right way!! haha

then in the 8 ladies dorm, i made friends with Mar from Philippines and Miki from Japan. we chatted and had a great laugh until there were people who asked whether we came to Singapore together. when we told them we just became friends few moments ago they could not believe it, and told us that it is as if we were friends for a long time already =)

making friends with them, had made the trip a worthwhile and more meaningful (short but sweet).. may God bless each and everyone of them, and hopefully someday we are able to meet again and have a blast.

the best thing about staying in a bed and breakfast is that one is able to explore the culture of not only the local people, but also to meet people from all over the world. i love having breakfast in the morning, because that is the time i can mingle around with other tourists, mostly from European countries.

in Singapore, we went to Bugis Street, Chinatown, Little India, Marina Bay Sands, Sentosa Island, Universal Studio Singapore and of course, Clarke Quay. i would love to tell each and every bits of the fascinating things i have been through but that would be taking a long time and bore you to death. overall, i love Singapore!







it was the best memory made between me and phy phy. it was those time i wished that i have a sister to venture the world with me again someday.

surprisingly i am going back to Singapore again someday soon. this time it is for a family vacation. going back there i would certainly hunt for that oh-so-delicious meat bun at Chinatown again XD





my habit: a big starbucks frappuccino while walking a long distance




a hearty breakfast in airport before departing


buh-bye Singapore... it had been wonderful =)